There are days, when as a parent, you feel on the top of the world! You cherish the smiles and funny faces of your kids in your photos and home movies. You pour your heart out, and perhaps your wallet, as you try to pick a gift for them during the Holidays. And you love their cute comments which seem to come out of nowhere at just the right time.

Then there are days, when nothing seem to go right. Your kids refuse to eat what you prepare for them. When all you hear is a big NO out of their mouth for everything you ask them to do. When you have to deal with a terrible tantrum in a public place with everyone else looking at you as if you are the worst parent on the face of the earth!

“Children don’t come with an instruction manual”, writes Dr Kathleen Cuneo in her new workbook for parents of toddlers and preschoolers called Empowered Parenting. She was kind enough to send a copy for me to review. Kathleen is the founder of Dinner Together, a website devoted to helping parents build healthy families one meal at a time. She has successfully used the power of family meals for raising kids with healthy eating habits.

Parenting is not easy, yet it often appears that everyone but you have figured it out! Parenting is also one of those topics you are likely to get a lot of unsolicited advice. Everyone but you seem to know how to raise your kids these days. This workbook will definitely empower you make your own game plan so you can simply smile off these unsolicited tips!

This is a workbook, which means you need to do some work! I am only half-joking because this is exactly why I like it so much. She does not offer a cookie-cutter formula or a set of “rules” which will magically solve your parenting problems. Rather, she walks you through 3 simple principles using worksheets, questionnaires and practical tips. The 3 focus areas for you to work through are:

1. Knowing yourself
2. Knowing your child
3. Communicating effectively

The exercises under the first point of “Knowing yourself” will help you figure out your parenting style,  help you articulate your expectations and make you aware of your hot buttons. You will learn how to become more aware of yourself, your strengths and blind spots. If you do it right, you will feel more confident in your approach to parenting and not get distracted by others.

Knowing your child is equally important because each child is unique and develops at his or her own pace. Quite often, parents feel the anxiety of missing the so called standard growth milestones. They compare their child with others in the park and begin to wonder if they should be doing something else. Unless there are medical issues, it is important to accept your child’s growth pattern as completely “normal”. The exercises in this section will help you identify your child’s individual strengths, emotional responses and reactions to new environments. They will also help you understand the triggers for bad behavior and motivators for good behavior. Again, if you do it right, you will be able to brush off outside advice about how you should handle your child’s behaviors.

The final section will help you  match your style to your child’s temperament and personality so you can communicate effectively. The keyword is “effectively”, because the goal should be to motivate your child to develop the positive behavior you desire. Dr Cuneo provides many examples of specific situations where you can exercise the tools of effective communication. It is not just what is spoken, it is also the body language and emotional expressions that matter. She also addresses the subject of rewards and how you should use them to motivate these behaviors.

In the final chapter, she offers tips for promoting healthy sibling relations and managing conflicts.

One thing I wish Dr Cuneo had emphasized in this workbook is that parenting is a team sport. Traditionally moms have done the heavy lifting when it comes to raising young kids. However, the times are changing and dads are beginning to get more involved. Naturally dads have a different approach, which at times, may seem at odds with a mom’s approach. It is important to have a good understanding, and acceptance of these differences in parenting styles so you don’t find yourself playing the good cop/bad cop with your kids. Having said that, there is no rule that you should do the exercises in this workbook alone.

A suggestion for the next update of this workbook would be to include a few specific exercises aimed at understanding your partner’s style and developing a common plan of action.

Overall, this workbook is worth the investment of your time. The good news is that Dr Cuneo is offering a huge discount for a limited time. Check out the offer for the workbook and other products on her website.

©2011 Littlestomaks.com

Eating out with kids is not necessarily a stress-free experience for most toddler parents, us included. Not only do we have to worry about selecting nutritious foods from the menu, we also have to keep an eye on misbehavior and less-than-ideal table manners. Sure, kids are kids and a certain amount of mischief is only to be expected, but it is hard as a parent to ignore the looks of pity, annoyance and sometimes even hostility from others. Suddenly, the spotlight is on us and it feels like we are the worst parents in whole world!

Last week, I reviewed a wonderful children’s book called Wiggens Learns His Manners at the Four Seasons Restaurant and also invited comments from readers about their dining-out experience with kids. I asked the following two questions -

• What is your most difficult restaurant manners problem with your toddler?
• Share a difficult dining out experience with your toddler where you had to manage a bad manners situation and how you handled it

Here are a few common manners problems people shared in response to my questions -

• Feeling bored, not able to sit still
• Throwing food on the floor, making a mess
• Running around, jumping on chairs
• Talking loudly or being rude to others

I think we can all relate to them one way or another. It also happens at home I am sure, not just when you go out to eat. From that point of view, this kind of behavior is probably normal from 2-5 year olds because they are full of energy and curiosity and constantly trying to push the limits as they learn to exercise their independence. They don’t know that their behavior can be labeled as misbehavior and that it can cause a lot of embarrassment to their parents in public!

That is why, I believe that the issue of bad manners is not a problem of the child, rather it is a problem of the parents.

Having said that, clearly we have to teach children about good manners and acceptable behavior. It will prepare them to be socially responsible and be able to get along with others. However, I fully agree with Dr. Spock who writes in his bestseller book on baby and child care:

Good manners come naturally – teaching children to say please or thank you is not really the first step. The most important thing is to have them like people and feel good about their own worth as a person. If they don’t, it will be hard to teach them even surface manners.

The important word here is naturally, they cannot be forced based on a schedule and should be treated like any other developmental milestone. There can be many ways to teach them manners and good behavior; you should adopt a style that is consistent with your personal style and attitude.

As far as behavior in a restaurant is concerned, here are a few tips you may want to consider -

Be consistent at home and outside: if you get your child in the habit of sitting down for a family meal at home, she is more likely to find the idea of a sit-down meal at a restaurant familiar and comforting. Consistency in family meals is key to not only good nutrition, quality family time and good habits, but also positive behavior when eating out. Do not have one set of rules at home and another for outside.

No rewards or punishments: promise of a reward or threat of a punishment works only for a short time. Kids will figure it out very quickly and pretty soon you will have to offer a bigger reward or a bigger punishment to get the same result. What you can do instead is consistently show your approval for behaviors you want to encourage and disapproval for behaviors you want to avoid. This approach, when combined with consistent role model behavior by you and others in the family is more likely to work in the long run.

Know the limits and enforce them no matter what: although I just talked about not using a reward or punishment, it is a good idea to set a few limits, especially when it comes to safety. Kids are unpredictable, and no matter how much you plan, it is possible that their behavior may create an unsafe situation for them or others around you. Running, jumping and throwing food or sliverware can fall in this category. Calmly explain to your child that it is not safe to do those things because someone can get hurt and that is not nice. If the softer approach does not work, be prepared to get your food-to-go and leave. In these situations, it is very important for both parents to be on the same page. There might be differences in parenting styles between the two of you, but you have to agree on a common plan when dealing with difficult parenting situations

Timing is everything: If you arrive at a restaurant when your child is too hungry or when he has just had an energy boosting snack, you are more likely to have a manners problem. Keep a healthful snack at hand just in case she is starving when you arrive. You can also minimize waiting time at the restaurant by ordering ahead, especially if it happens to be a place you frequently visit. We like to keep a few of our favorite restaurant menus in the car just for this purpose.

Be a role model: just like any parenting situation, the importance of being a role model when eating out can hardly be over emphasized. Children learn by imitating their parents and others they come in contact with. They will simply reflect your behavior because they admire you and want to gain your love and affirmation. It does not mean you have to be perfect at all times, but you do have to be consistent overall on average. Everyone can have a bad day, you don’t have to feel guilty or apologetic when you occasionally slip! In those moments, rely on your partner to do the heavy lifting.

Plan to entertain: even adults get bored and restless if they have to wait too long to get a highly anticipated meal or drink! Children have even a shorter attention span! Keeping their favorite toy or a book handy is a good idea. We like to make up stories and engage them in all kind of silly conversations a the table to keep their interest. We also keep a basket full of toys and books ready in the car just in case!

Keep your cool: parenting is an extreme sport and there are times when things don’t go your way. We also feel under pressure in public because these days everyone is quick to judge and have their own ideas about what it means to be a good parent. I say, just ignore it! You don’t have to be a perfect parent – if there is anything like that in the first place! Keep your cool and laugh it off. If your children aren’t behaving perfectly, it won’t help to yell or scream at them or try to shush them! Enjoy as much as possible, and if everyone is having a bad day, just walk away and try another day!

How have you managed a difficult parenting moment when eating out with your little ones? Leave a comment, I would love to hear from you!

In a recent post, I wrote about the importance of being a role model for your children in encouraging them to develop healthy eating habits. Research has shown that when asked to choose items from a play grocery store in a role play setting, children 2-6 years selected a mix of healthy and less healthy items mirroring the buying preferences of their parents. For example, when the parents buying preference scored high on the least healthy side, the shopping cart of their children also had least healthy products. Attitudes about food seem to develop at an early age; therefore, it is important for parents to consistently demonstrate a pattern of behavior – both inside and outside of the home – that encourages these attitudes to be positive and healthy when it comes to food selection.

The goal is clear (healthy eating habits) and the strategy is clear (be a role model), but how do you translate it into actions which will result in the desired result over the long run? In my post 6 easy tips for helping your child choose healthy foods, I offered a few ideas. That was only a start. In this post, I want to discuss a simple model that can help you develop your own action plan based on your own unique situation.

And the really great thing about it is that it can apply to everything, not just nutrition.

As a parent, you have enormous influence and control over your child. How you interact with him on a daily basis, and over the long run, will shape his behavior and future choices. I believe that parents already have a great instinct about how they should raise their children. And in most cases, those instincts are more or less the right instincts. Having said that, it is also quite natural to feel doubtful about those instincts. At times, you may find yourself wondering why – even though you are trying so hard – your child is still not showing healthy eating habits. Should you be doing something else?

It is perfectly ok to rely on instincts. However, we all live very busy and stressful lives. Under these circumstances, our own behaviors are usually quite erratic, inconsistent, and out of sync with our instincts. We lose track of what is important, act without a plan, and hope that everything will turn out to be fine in the long run. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way!

Understanding your style of parenting is the first step in developing a solid action plan. Parent-child relationship is very complex, and I don’t claim to be an expert in it. However, I want to share with you a simple model of parenting styles I read in a paper recently which provoked some thoughts and ideas you may find useful.

In this model, there are 4 types of parenting styles based on acceptance and control:

4 Types of Parenting Styles

1. Authoritative – exercises authority when necessary, but also frequently accepts the will of the child
2. Indulgent – is more accepting and affirmative, allows the child to learn gradually without much discipline
3. Authoritarian – values obedience and enforces discipline through punishment, less forgiving
4. Disengaged – does not care, neglectful

So how do you figure out your style? Since you are reading this article, your style is probably not in the Disengaged category. You certainly care!

But what about the other three categories? One way could be to first think about how often you let your child “get away” with what he wants. Rate your acceptance level in terms of always, sometimes or rarely. Now think about how often you force him to do what you want. Again, rate your level of control in terms of always, sometimes or rarely. Now put the two ratings together:

• Always letting him get away, rarely forcing – your style is Indulgent
• Rarely letting him get away, always forcing – your style is Authoritarian
• Sometimes letting him get away, sometimes forcing – your style is Authoritative

It is most desirable to have an Authoritative style of parenting. In fact, research has shown that an authoritative style is associated with reduced smoking initiation, increased physical activity and reduced sedentary behavior in girls. Authoritative does not mean random acceptance and control; rather it means that you exercise a balance of give and take at appropriate times. There is no fixed formula for doing this. It all depends on your what is important to you and where you draw the line.

Now that you understand your parenting style, the next step is to understand your partner’s style. Unless, of course, you are a single parent. Although there can be several combinations based on these 4 different styles, I am going to focus on only 4 to keep it simple! This is because, I am going to assume that at least one of you has the Authoritative style.

Situation 1: You are Authoritative and your partner is Indulgent

Pros:

• Together, you balance each other in terms of acceptance and control.
• Under stress, the Authoritative parent can get Authoritarian; and the Indulgent parent can get Disengaged. In this situation you can keep each other in check.

Cons:

• One parent can be perceived as the “Good Cop” and the other as the “Bad Cop”.
• The Indulgent parent may lose all control over the child, especially when alone in a stressful situation.

What to do:

• Have a good agreement on what is acceptable and what is not.
• Do not try to settle your differences in front of the child; do not make it an “I have to be right” situation.
• Be flexible, but regularly confirm with each other if things are still on track.

Situation 2: You are Authoritative and your partner is Disengaged

Pros:

• The child does not get confusing signals; only one parent is actively engaged.

Cons:

• One parent carries the load and may begin to resent the other; feeling “It’s not fair“.
• The Authoritative parent may feel the pressure to discipline the child even when he/she may not want to.
• The Authoritative parent may feel a loss of control and may either become Disengaged or Authoritarian.

What to do:

• Set the expectations for a certain level of commitment and engagement from your disengaged partner.
• Understand the main reason for disengagement and find out if it is temporary of chronic.
• Seek professional help if needed. Act early enough to preserve your relationship.

Situation 3: You are Authoritative and your partner is Authoritarian

Pros:

• The Authoritative parent can keep the Authoritarian parent in check and protect the child from excessive discipline.

Cons:

• The Authoritative parent may turn into excessively Indulgent to counterbalance the Authoritarian parent.
• The Authoritarian parent may turn into Disengaged. In that case, the cons of situation 2 apply.

What to do:

• Have a good agreement on when the Authoritarian parent can exercise control and discipline. Also, discuss what kind of discipline can be allowed.
• Explain to the Authoritarian parent why you decided to “let the child get away” in a certain situation. Be consistent in your own behavior and make sure to keep your partner in the loop.
• Resist the temptation to be the “Good Cop” with your child.
• Do not settle your differences in front of the child.

Situation 4: You and your partner are both Authoritative

This is the perfect situation! Celebrate your relationship often!!

What is your style?

How would you describe your parenting style? And what about your partner’s parenting style? Would you do anything different based on this model of parenting styles? Do you have any other suggestions?